Of the matters of the head and the heart.

There will be many, many occasions in life, important occasions, when I will have to take life altering decisions. These decisions will determine almost every aspect of my life, as a result of which, I will become what I will become. For that one decision, I will reap or pay for a long, long time, and once chosen wrong, it’s not so easy to amend.

These decisions are not for me to take alone; they will involve the circle that we build around ourselves, the circle of love and friendship, of family and madness, of mentors and affection, and those plain simple people, from whom you need nothing but for them to just be there as they are.

I have learnt, these past few days, and I have learnt well, about the matters of the head and heart. 

So many people say it so many times, philosophers and thinkers, inspirational icons, wise men and women, your best friends, and even Oprah. Always and always they say,

Follow your heart.

In times of conflict, follow your heart and it will not disappoint you.

I used to love to hear it; such a heart-warming, optimistic, and genuine advice. If you seriously want it, so bad it makes you ache, go for it. Stop hesitating and go for it. And because it’s your heart, it will not disappoint you. So soulful, I could not wait to try it out.

But well, things turn out to be a little different from what you imagine and what you read. It’s kind of disappointing actually. But true nonetheless.

It is very easy to tell somebody to follow their heart, very convenient to imagine being so brave, so confident and spontaneous, you feel as if you’re in a movie.

But when the stakes are high, I’ve seen, when the stakes are very, very high, sit yourself down and consider; battle with yourself. Go through a horrible four days and cry yourself to sleep. Be overwhelmed and disturbed, indecisive and argumentative, unsure and irritated, but consider your choices carefully, again, and again, and again.

You never realize it until you face it, head on, almost slapping you in the face.

It is always very good to listen to your heart, people say, but when you’re there, following the winding paths that lead to obscure crossroads,

when you’re THERE

it is impossible to ignore the overwhelming logic.

It is impossible to overlook the clarity of the situation.

It is impossible to quieten the rationality of the head.

Why would you not choose something so obviously the more suitable, logical and appropriate option?

So when you do sit down to think about it, I told myself, it is not so easy after all.

                                                                    *

I knew I was screwed the moment they announced the result for CATE. Although with my result I was already getting the best colleges, I wanted to pursue English, the intensive, literature based course, which required a good CATE score, leave aside Hansraj college, where I was getting in already.

But this is not where it all began. It all began when St. Stephen’s College, the college which thought too much of itself, the ‘snobby’ college, where allegedly, Stephenians deemed only fellow Stephenians fit to keep company, released their cutoffs, way ahead of everybody else.

And it hurt. Like some angered, hunger driven spaghetti maniac was twisting giant forks in and around my intestines, it hurt like that. Okay, maybe not quite so much as that, but still it pinched pretty bad when I realized that I missed the cutoff by exactly 2 marks. The English cutoff was 95.25 % and I was 94.75.

Oh, if only!

I used to sit and think. If only I had not forgotten to answer that one question in Maths. If only I had not made that one silly error in Economics. If only I had guessed those two countries correct for UN Peacekeeping Operations!

Things would have been a little different. So the most revered college in India was off the list.

But I quickly got over that and the CATE result came out.

All India rank seventy-eight.

I was overjoyed (especially when I remembered the horrifying place we had been made to take our exam in, Jil, Riti and I, in some godforsaken part of Delhi, with crumbling walls and sandpits on the floor. It was a traumatizing experience, really) but at the same time, I realized what it meant.

If I got into LSR, and with this result, there was a good chance that I may, I would have to make that extremely difficult choice, which generations before me also had to make, not that THAT made it any more easy for me.

LSR…or North Campus?

North Campus had captured my heart the first time I had set my eyes on it; I somehow knew that I belonged just there. I could picture myself, hopping from one college to another, and being the cool, college kid that I always yearned to be. And the best part was, I had it all! I had every college for the course of my choice in North Campus, except for Stephens.

The problem here was, I also had LSR. And the India Today survey that ranked it number one, which made it impossible to ignore LSR.

Oh, believe me, countless tears were shed, because in some corner of my heart I could feel, that I may not go to North Campus after all. All that I had envisioned, my dreams about being in North, were beginning to shatter.

Why, everybody asks, why did you choose LSR if it made you so unhappy? You should’ve just gone with a nice college in North, just followed our heart!

As I mentioned before, it is not so easy. It is not so easy.

When I lay down all the facts before me, LSR was emerging to be a clear winner, although Kirori Mal College put up a good fight, a college which is becoming increasingly hep these days.

Sometimes, you may just have to choose the head eventually. It is a bit sad, and anti-climactic, but you may have to do it anyhow.

So here I am now. I’m going to Lady Shri Ram College for Women, for B.A. English Hons.

It’s very different from what I had expected, but everyone who has heard this has said (incredulously)

SO? What is there to be so bummed about?

To which all I can say is,

Give me a chance to find out.